For years I stayed. I stayed through the emotional and
physical abuse. The beatings. The condemnation. Being told that I was not good enough. Being told that he did not want me and that
no one ever would. I stayed.
When I had finally had enough was when I had the broken ribs
and the gun shoved up my vagina. That is
when I realized that I had a child that needed me and that I valued my life
even more than I wanted him, but it was not as easy as typing that sentence.
There are many of us survivors of domestic violence out
there. What pisses us off more than
anything is people sitting around thinking that they know why we stay. Some blame us for staying. Some think they know but they really
don’t. Many survivors like myself come from a long line of
victims. We were either abused
physically and emotionally as children which makes our very existence, one filled
with low self esteem, or we are just fucked up so much psychologically that we
are not even aware that we are fucked up psychologically. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I
look in a mirror and all I see is a fat ugly woman. It does not matter how many times people tell
me that I am beautiful, in those years (and even now at times) I never saw it. All I saw was a fat girl that
was lucky to have a man and therefore I had to put up with whatever I got.
When Janay Rice posted on Instagram that the media had
intruded on her life, she was not being delusional. This is her truth. Don’t you think she asks herself every day if
this is love? Why do you think she
apologized for what happened? Domestic
violence and those who suffer in these type of relationships have a whole host
of issues going on that many of the so-called defenders of these women (and
men) have never experienced. We don’t wake up in dread every day thinking that today is going
to be our last day on earth. We wake up
every day thinking that today is going to be different. Today, I am going to make sure that I do everything
the right way and all will be right with the world. We are sometimes delusional, but it is our
delusion and it is how we keep from going crazy. The constant deriding of the men in our lives does not give
us a wake up call. Constantly pitying us
in the media does nothing to help with our self-esteem. If the truth be told, some of us hate
it. We already know that we are
powerless. We don’t need you to
constantly throw that in our faces.
You ask us why do we stay?
We stay for many reasons. The
main reason we stay is we don’t know how to leave. We are constantly bonded to our abusers. We don’t see that open door and even when we
do see that open door and put one foot through it, we will go back because we
are so bonded to our abusers, that we really and truly believe that going back
will change things.
I don’t know Janay
Rice. I don’t pity her. I don’t feel sorry for her. I don’t know Ray Rice. I don’t pity him. I don’t feel sorry for him. Janay and Ray Rice are living their
truth. Whatever you think of their
situation, that is their situation. You
don’t get to condemn it. You don’t get
to condone it.
The only reason why we are feeling like this is because we
all saw the video, but how many other women out there that don’t have their
abuse being broadcasted 24/7 do we stand up for? How many of those women who live in shelters,
or on the streets do we help out? Did
you hear the screaming next door? What
did you do when you heard that? Did you
call the police? Did you intervene?
The people who perpetrate abuse in relationships do so
because society does not do one fucking thing to help. Governments the world over spend little or no
money to enact legislation to protect women who are the victims of abuses. In Jamaica, where I am from, it took decades
of lobbying efforts to actually get shelters established and domestic violence
legislation enacted in order for women to be protected. In the Cayman Islands where I work, the
facilitator of the Crisis Centre, was herself raped and murdered in the most
vicious way possible. It took years of
lobbying by Estalla to actually get domestic violence legislation on the
books. Even worse, there are people who
don’t even want a crisis centre in their communities.
The Rice situation is not the only high profile case of
domestic violence that has made its way into the mainstream media. Earlier this year, Nigella Lawson was
photographed being choked by her now ex-husband who then later on accused her
of using cocaine. The downside of
Nigella Lawson’s situation is that she was refused entry into the US because of
the drug abuse allegations. Not only did
Nigella get screwed by her husband, she got screwed in her professional life as
well.
That is the downside of women like us, survivors and victims
of domestic violence. We usually get
fucked by the system because we stay. I
can give you hundreds of situations
where women who lost everything, including their children, as a result of
domestic violence. As a result, women
will stay in these situations because the law is just not on their side. Thank goodness things have changed, but even
more needs to be done.
Finally, to those concerned persons out there who want to
help out. Here are some tangible things
you can do to help.
1
- Offer assistance. It does not have to be monetary, but a kind word goes a long way;
- Buy her a cup of coffee or tea or just offer to help out around the house. She will not leave until she is ready. Your job is not to judge.
- Volunteer at a shelter. That extra money that you are going to spend on an iPhone6, how about donating it to a women’s shelter. You will feel better for it.
- In the middle of the night you hear a woman screaming for help, you don’t need to put yourself in danger, use that iPhone5 and call the police. If they don’t get there in 5 minutes, keep calling them until they get there.
- If the woman has no place to go, offer her and her children a night’s rest.
Thank you for reading.
Karen (Survivor)
